Pretty much since I was in middle school I've had a crippling fear of failure, a near constant anxiety that I won't be able to "achieve". That's fine, a lot of people have a fear of failure, and in some ways it might be a good thing(?) and drive you to work hard and break through that fear. That's never been me. In fact, I constantly fail. I'm often so afraid of failing at something that I find myself too anxious to even begin to try. Of course this is a horrible habit, and will obviously lead to the exact failure I'm trying to hide from. - and forgive me, this is pretty much all coming straight from my brain, I'm not gonna worry about formatting or even making a point. - But I'm sometimes (often) so afraid that I'm one mis-step away from the edge, that I'll simply not move (this is an allegory). The saying "the only way to win is to not play" only really applies in really rare and often bad ass situations wherein the hero has outsmarted the villain. No, usually when I get afraid and stay still, the ground beneath my feet crumble beneath me and I fall into the sarlac pit of failure (wtf, that's a nerd thing, get that outta my rad post). I'll give you an example, and this isn't something I've advertised to a lot of people (I think?).
When I transferred to GFU my Sophomore year I had a hard time. I wasn't in any CMCO classes, just gen-eds. I fell behind in a lot of ways, in most classes I got so far behind that I stopped going. I was afraid and embarrassed, but didn't know how to proceed. I couldn't see a way out - I'm going back up there and putting a paragraph break, this is ridiculous. There. - I couldn't see a way out and so I froze. I ended up only ever going to like 2 or 3 out of 6 or seven classes. At the end of that semester I only went to one final (to be fair I had written down the wrong time for one of them, but also to be fair that excuse is like bucket with a hole. It doesn't hold water. nailed it.) I failed every single class that semester, except for sociology which I got a D minus in. Which goes to show how serious of a class that is. I am on it right now. (Side not, I just took the time to google "who is johnny carsons sidekick" to get that vid.) The point of this story is to show you
Guh, what am I trying to say here? What was my next point?
Recently I've been feeling this anxiety creep up on me again. It got really bad toward the end of the summer, and I batted it away, but now I can feel it coming back. Creeping up from my diaphragm, slowly clawing it's way up my esophagus (wow I had zero clue on how to spell that). That's kind of what this blog, this whole project, is about. Giving myself something to do, to keep that anxiety at bay. I feel myself falling back off the edge; putting off things that could potentially be great, but am too afraid to pursue just because of the thought constantly at the back of my head.
"What if it doesn't work out?"
That's not even the big one, though.
"What if it works out, and you screw it up?"
Even thinking about those two questions, really really sucks. But they're always there. Always in the back of my head. Even for little things. Lauren and I were gonna go try a Thai place down the street that we've never been to before and I was so nervous about it. When we got to the door I said we should go somewhere else (granted, we went to the Lebanese place a block away and it was phenomenal. The shwarma, to die for. And there was a free huge thing of pita bread. This is besides the point.) What is the point? I don't know.
There is no resolution here. No advice I can give. Because I'm in the middle of this thing. I wouldn't even say I'm past The Approach to the Inmost Cave and I can't even see The Return with the Elixer, but somewhere out there I will eventually have to face my Atonement with the Father (who else is just loving this Hero's Journey parallel) and until then, I'll be here. Trying to be a good boy. And probably missing the entire point of the Hero's Journey
Hey that was a pretty decent closing.
